Child's Self-Confidence: How to Help Them Believe in Themselves

He refuses to try the slide "because he'll fall". She tears up her drawing because it is not nice. Or he hides behind your leg as soon as an aunt speaks to him. A child's self-confidence cannot be decreed, and no speech brings it into being all at once. It is built in small everyday moments, through the way adults react to their efforts, their mistakes and their personality.

Good news: the gestures that help are simple, and the ones that harm are often done without thinking. Here is how to sort them out.

Self-confidence and self-esteem: what are we talking about?

Self-esteem is how the child sees themselves and the value they give themselves. The Canadian Paediatric Society describes a child with good self-esteem as generally positive, accepting themselves as they are and trusting in themselves, without being vain. Self-confidence follows from it: the feeling of being able to try, to succeed, or to start again after a failure.

Both rest on a foundation: feeling loved unconditionally. Naître et grandir insists on this point. A child who knows that their parents' love does not depend on their marks, their drawings or their good behaviour dares more.

What helps: everyday gestures

Encourage effort rather than praise the result. Naître et grandir makes a useful distinction. Praise judges ("you're brilliant at drawing"); encouragement describes what the child did ("you kept going with your puzzle even when the pieces were hard"). Too much praise can create dependence on your approval, or pressure to succeed. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) also advises acknowledging efforts and small steps forward, not only the goal reached.

Let them do it alone. Putting on their shoes, pouring water, tidying their toys: each gesture done alone proves to them that they are capable. Naître et grandir recommends waiting for them to ask for help rather than doing it for them. Overprotection, even loving, can make them believe they cannot manage. The paediatrician at mpedia also reminds us that between 1 and 3, wanting to do everything alone is part of normal development.

Give challenges within their reach. Neither too easy nor out of reach: that is where they really learn, stresses the AAP. A slightly bigger puzzle, an errand to the corner shop alone with you waiting at the door, from the age when that is reasonable.

Offer choices. "The red T-shirt or the blue one?" From age 2, the Australian Raising Children Network advises letting the child choose between safe options, and even say no from time to time.

Entrust small responsibilities. Putting the spoons on the table, watering a plant, taking bread to the neighbours. They feel useful to the family.

The right to make mistakes

A child who is afraid of getting it wrong stops trying. Tell them that everyone makes mistakes, adults included, and that we learn by starting again. When they spill their glass, explain calmly what happened, without adding to it, and invite them to mop up.

Your own attitude counts for a lot. Naître et grandir suggests saying, when you get something wrong, "I'll try again" rather than "I'm useless". The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends teaching them to learn lessons from their mistakes and showing them, by example, that you can persevere in the face of difficulty.

Finally, avoid answering failure with shame. The AAP notes that guilt and shame undermine motivation, whereas support helps them start again.

What harms: comparisons, mockery and labels

Comparisons. "Look at your cousin, she already speaks French well." In large Moroccan families, between cousins of the same age, comparison comes quickly, often without malice. It still hurts. Naître et grandir advises comparing the child with themselves: "a month ago, you couldn't jump with both feet together". If the rivalry comes from a brother or sister, our article on jealousy between siblings may help.

Mockery and public shame. Laughing at their pronunciation, telling their mischief at the table in front of guests, scolding them in front of others: the Canadian Paediatric Society lists humiliation among what does the most harm. Hchouma (shame) is sometimes used as a tool of upbringing; it mostly teaches the child to hide.

Labels. "Lazy", "slow", "naughty": Naître et grandir recommends talking about the behaviour ("that action is not kind") rather than labelling the child ("you are not kind"). A label repeated often ends up becoming an identity.

Arguments in front of them and rules that keep changing also weaken their sense of security, according to the CPS. By contrast, clear, consistent rules reassure them. Our article on positive parenting details how to set limits without humiliating.

The shy child: supporting without pushing

Some children watch for a long time before acting. This is a temperament trait, not a lack of self-confidence. The problem starts when they are constantly presented as "the shy one", pushed towards others, or spoken for.

To help them:

• Warn them: "At Auntie Fatima's there will be lots of people, you can stay near me at first."
• Suggest an easy step: a wave rather than a kiss for the whole family.
• Give them time to get used to a new place, staying nearby.
• Create small-group occasions: one friend at home rather than a big birthday party.

On starting school, these children often need a little more preparation. Our advice on starting nursery school goes in this direction.

And the anxious child?

Every child has fears: the dark, dogs, separation. They are part of development. We worry more when fear regularly stops them living normally: refusing to go to school, repeated tummy aches before every outing, disturbed sleep for weeks.

Faced with a fear, acknowledge it instead of denying it ("you're afraid of the dog, I understand"), then help them face it in small steps, at their own pace. The tears and tantrums that often come with these moments are covered in our article on young children's tantrums.

What your child sees in you

Children learn a great deal by imitation. A parent who accepts themselves, who tries new things and who picks themselves up after a failure shows the way. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists this among the essential levers, along with time spent together: taking an interest in their games, letting them lead a game, listening to their stories right to the end.

To follow their development at this age, our portrait of the 4-year-old gives guidelines on their emotions, imagination and big questions.