Toddler Tantrums: How to Respond When a Little One Explodes

He wanted the blue cup, you gave him the red one. Thirty seconds later, your 2-year-old son is screaming, throwing himself on the floor and kicking the air. A child's tantrum at this age can be spectacular, and it often leaves parents exhausted, embarrassed or worried.

Yet it is, paediatricians remind us, a normal stage of development. What changes everything is how you respond: before, during and after the outburst. Here are practical guidelines, based on the recommendations of American paediatricians and Quebec early-childhood specialists.

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

Because they feel very strong emotions without yet having the means to manage them. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) reminds us that tantrums are a normal part of development, and that they are most frequent between 1 and 3. This is the stage English speakers call the terrible twos. They generally ease after 3, without disappearing completely.

At this age, impulse control is still under construction. The toddler wants to do things alone, choose, decide, but constantly runs into limits: their own (they cannot manage it) and yours (they are not allowed). Naître et grandir describes a child overwhelmed by emotions they can neither understand nor name. Their tantrum is a way of saying that something is wrong. The AAP stresses this point: they need to learn to express anger with words rather than with feet or teeth, at the pace of their language.

Temperament plays a part too. Some children have far more tantrums than their brothers and sisters, the AAP stresses, and this does not mean you give them less attention.

Before the tantrum: what prevents many outbursts

Many tantrums can be prevented. They often erupt at the same moments: the child is hungry, tired, or is pulled abruptly away from their game.

The AAP also advises choosing your battles. Giving in on what does not matter, like the colour of the cup, lets you hold firm on what does. Before a difficult situation (a long wait, a family meal), explain in advance what will happen and what you expect of them.

Sleep weighs heavily on emotional balance: our article on sleep needs from 0 to 3 years gives guidelines by age.

During the tantrum: what to do, and what not to do?

Stay calm, keep them safe, and say little. It is easier said than done, but the AAP reminds us: children copy the way their parents handle their own anger.

• Keep the child safe. If they risk hurting themselves, running towards the road or falling down stairs, hold them firmly, whatever they say.
• Stay nearby. A toddler in the middle of a storm needs a calm adult to settle. If they push you away, stay beside them and simply tell them you are there.
• Name the emotion in one sentence: "You are very angry because you wanted the blue one." No sermon: they cannot take it in right now.
• Do not argue, do not negotiate. The AAP recommends ignoring most tantrums, meaning not feeding the scene with words or looks, without ever ignoring a danger.
• Do not give in. If you said no, stick to it. According to the AAP, it is consistency from one day to the next that makes tantrums decrease over time.

And if you feel your temper rising, hand over to dad or another adult, or take a few moments' break, with the child still supervised. This is advice from the AAP as well as from Naître et grandir.

Time-out: at what age?

Specialists do not agree. The AAP accepts a time-out as a last resort, of about one minute per year of age. Naître et grandir advises against it before age 3, because a toddler may experience it as abandonment, and speaks rather of 2 to 5 minutes, in a reassuring place, with an adult nearby. In both cases, the pause is for calming down, never for humiliating. The principles are detailed in our article on positive parenting.

My child hits or bites: how do I respond?

Here, you do not wait for it to pass. The AAP is clear: you can ignore screaming, never hitting, biting, kicking or thrown objects.

1. Stop the act immediately, and separate the children until they have calmed down.
2. See to the child who was hurt first. Attention, the AAP reminds us, tends to reinforce the behaviour it goes with.
3. State the rule in a few words: "We don't hit. Hitting hurts."
4. Teach them what to do instead: say "no" firmly, turn their back, find a compromise.

Before 3, the AAP reminds us, a child often understands punishment poorly: it is better to repeat the limit, again and again. And above all, do not hit back. Hitting a child to teach them not to hit sends a contradictory message. The World Health Organization also notes that corporal punishment increases children's aggression and worsens behaviour problems over time. When these acts are aimed at a little brother or sister, see also our article on jealousy between siblings.

After the storm: putting words on it and making up

This is often the most useful moment. When the child has come down, go back to them calmly. Naître et grandir suggests a short sequence: briefly recall what happened, name the act that is not acceptable, agree on what you will do next time, then make up, with a hug for example. If they are calm but do not want to talk, respect that and pick it up later.

To help them tame their emotions over the months, the AAP suggests:

• naming your own emotions without hurting them: "Mummy is very annoyed", rather than "You drive me mad";
• helping them name theirs, letting them correct you if you get it wrong;
• showing them how to calm down, for example by breathing deeply together;
• praising them specifically when they handle a frustration well.

A comfort object, like a doudou (the soft toy many children cling to), also helps many toddlers find their calm. A picture book about emotions can be a way in to talk about them when things are calm.

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Supermarket meltdown or at the in-laws': dealing with anger in public

In public, the tantrum is the same, but you are the one under pressure. The stares and the remarks ("give him what he wants", "he's badly brought up") push you to give in or raise your voice. A few reflexes help:

• Plan ahead: shop after the nap and the snack, state the rule before going in ("Today we're not buying sweets").
• Change place: leave the aisle or the room, go to a quiet corner, outside or to the car. Away from the stares, everyone breathes.
• Stick to the decision made. Giving in to end the scene teaches the child that an audience is a good lever.
• Ignore the comments. One sentence is enough: "He's tired, it will pass." Your child matters more than the opinion of passers-by.

During long family evenings, weddings or parties that end late, tiredness builds up. Planning a quiet place where they can rest avoids many end-of-evening meltdowns. And if a relative steps in during the tantrum, agree beforehand that the parent present is the one who handles it.